Hardest Decision Part II

Linking up with Shell over at http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/

So I left off, finding out that I was 16 and pregnant, and with my parents going through a nasty divorce battle.

I needed to decide which was the best/easiest way to break the news to my parents...but little did I know that telling them wasn't going to be left up to me.  The baby's Dad (lets call him "J") decided to tell his mom, who in turn, decided it was her place to call my Dad and let him know all about the pregnancy.  So once the shock and disappointment wore off, I knew I needed to tell my Mom and quick.  I finally just blurted it out! My Mom said she had a feeling and then promptly started crying for days and days (like 3 or more).  I have never felt more alone, humiliated, embarrassed, mortified, scared, and just overwhelmed.  But no matter what else was happening between my parents they both sat me down and let me know that whatever my decision was they would be behind me and support me the best they could.  I was told they were my parents no matter what and they would always love me.  And to this day they are my biggest cheerleaders, and great support.

I decided that abortion wasn't a choice I was ready or willing to make and adoption was just completely out of the question for me, so I was having this baby.  Well little did I know that having a baby changes everything, especially when you are 16 and have always been "the baby" of the family.  I needed to grow up and fast.  So that is exactly what I did.  Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that everything was just perfect from that point on because I would be lying through my teeth, but I did make many changes right away.  Baby's Dad "J" did not, and still has not.  I decided  that if I was having this baby I needed to do my best to make my life and this child's life the best that it could possibly be. 

I knew this meant getting an education and a job.  I am proud to say that after ALOT of hard work  I graduated on time and did this while taking care of my now daughter and working to support our needs.  I didn't always have great jobs, but I always had a job that paid.  There were times when I worked two jobs just to make the money we needed to live.  I have been going to college on and off for years now, but am happy to say that I will SOMEDAY get my college degree.

Needless to say because I am pretty sure you figured it out but baby's Dad "J" and I didn't work.  He was young (so was I) however, I was willing and ready to grow up and take on the responsibility that I/we created.  He wasn't and isn't a part of her life, but that is his thing and he will have to come to terms with himself and her when the time comes.  He of course blames me for his lack of parenting, but he made the choices and he has to live with them. (I won't go into specifics but let me tell you this has not been friendly for a long time)  I will say I have  NEVER said a bad word about him to our daughter and she has always known who he is.  She will need to make up her own mind about him and what she thinks/wants their relationship to be like. 

Fast forward 10 years and I met the most wonderful man I have ever known.  I had not been in any type of relationship for about 6 years at this point.  So me and my daughter were just living life and I really thought we were happy and had everything we could have wanted or needed.  Then one of my girlfriends invited me to go out with her and some friends, and I decided to go which was rare.  However, that night I met my "better half".  I told him from the start that I had a daughter who was my world and he would always take a backseat to her.  He was okay with this.  That should have been my first clue that he was a keeper.  Anyways, we dated for about 2 months and then I thought maybe they should meet.  That meeting left alot to be desired.  My daughter hated him because she believed that he was coming in between us, and that to her was the worst thing that could happen.  She learned that no matter who I dated or what was going on she was my number one priority.  She opened up and fell just as much in love with him as he fell in love with her.  They have the most amazing relationship today.  They have days that are just for the two of them.  He will take her shopping, then dinner and a movie, and she is learning what a Dad is supposed to treat you like.  She is learning that there are men out there that will love you unconditionally, and he is teaching her just as much as she is teaching him.  I am so thankful for the relationship they have developed.

My parents have always been the ones to help when I needed someone to babysit or just a shoulder to cry on, and then I met my "better half" and he taught me that there really are other people who want to be with you just because of who you are.  No string attached.

I have tons more drama that goes through out the past 16 years but I don't want to bore you, so let me know if you want me to keep going!!!

I'm Bored...what is there to do???

Summer means no school and in my kids eyes that means there is nothing to do and they are continually complaining they are bored.  Like I should be entertaining them or something.  I don't think so...

I have my own stuff to do, like homework, dishes, cleaning, laundry, cleaning some more (it never ends around here), oh and cooking (yeah right).  Anyway, I resolve that I will take my kids out and do something fun with them at least 3 times a week.

I admit it I am a complete and total homebody.  I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. being home.  I am not someone who needs to be doing something outside the house at all waking moments.  I would rather be home doing homework, dishes, cleaning, laundry, cleaning some more (it never ends around here), oh and cooking (yeah right). That's right I said it I would rather be doing things at home then out running around doing crap that costs money and just makes me crazy.

So this summer I will take my kids out to do something fun at least 3 times a week, and this is on top of the 2 nights a week the little one plays T-Ball.  Whew am I striving to be the greatest mom of all time or what????

Let me know what you do with your kiddos during summer and how many times per week do you take them to do things outside of the house (the backyard doesn't count, or so I have been  told).

Sorry I haven't been here!!!

I am just returning for a week with the in-laws in NY...I will continue with my blog as soon as I am unpacked and everything returns to normal (like that will ever happen).

Thank You all so much for the positive feedback from my Hardest Decision post, and I am going to posing the next part shortly...so please hang with me until sanity returns.

Hardest Decision - Part 1

When I was sixteen I was faced with the biggest life changing decision I have ever had to make!!!

Let me give you a little insight into my sixteenth summer...

In July I turn the BIG 1-6, which meant I got my license, then in August I found out my parents were divorcing after 21 years of marriage, then in September I found out I was pregnant (more on this in a minute).  Whew that was quite a summer...right????

To put it mildly I had some major life changing things going on, and some very real, very hard decisions that had to be made.  The first major issues I had to deal with was the divorce, and this was only because my parents decided to fight for custody of a pregnant 16 year old.  Why either of them wanted me is still beyond my comprehension.  But they did, and I was made to sit with a Judge in her chambers and basically pick which parent I "liked" more and therefore wanted to live with.  Not a healthy situation for any child to go through.  Well I decided I would be the stubborn little brat that I was known for being and I told that Judge just what I thought of the situation and that I REFUSED to choose between my parents and she could just do whatever she wanted.  In the end my Mom got custody, but I was 16 not exactly a little kid and chose to see my Dad everyday.  I still to this day have the most amazing relationship with both of my parents,  and am continually grateful for them both of them.

Okay back to the pregnant 16 year old girl.  After much (ALOT) of consideration, crying, debating, crying, ignoring, crying, talking, and crying some more I decided that I was keeping this baby.  Boy oh Boy I had no idea what any of this meant, but I was keeping MY baby.  Little did I know at this point in my life this was going to be the biggest, most life changing, best decision I have ever made.  Of course at this point I have the "happily ever after" scenario in my head.  Being young and a kid myself, I thought I could take on and conquer anything...

More coming later...if anyone wants to hear more.

Affection

Affection...isn't this something that everybody wants and craves????  The answer is NO.

Growing up hugs, kisses, cuddles, and many many praises were normal in my household.

My parents are very affectionate, sometimes to a fault. (my parents aren't weird pedophiles or anything, just very loving people)  This is how I grew up and what I am/was used to.  This is how I learned to show love.  When you love someone you hug them, you kiss them, and you praise them.

But then I met my "better half"!  He is not opposed to affection but definitely lacks in the affection department.  He is not a hugger, not a kisser, not a cuddler.  This is not to say he doesn't do these things, he does, just not on a regular basis.  He is much better with the 4 year old then he is with others, but it still isn't the amount I grew up with.  He grew up with just his Mom (his Dad passed when he was young), not sure if this has anything to do with his "shying" away from affection, just an observation on my part.

As you can imagine this was quite an adjustment for me.  In previous relationships and from what I saw growing up I was used to couples holding hands, kissing, cuddling on the couch while watching T.V. and these things just seemed foreign to him.  Slowly he has come around to my way of thinking, and slowly I have become more like him.  I think this happens with alot of couples, maybe we are more normal than anyone could have ever imagined!!!

There are times when all of us need our space, but there are also times when everyone needs a hug, kiss, or just a special look that lets them know they are not alone and there are people who love and care for them.

Summer is almost here!!!

Summer is almost here officially - in our house anyway.

Alexis (16 year old) has 3 1/2 days (getting out at 11:10 am) of finals, then she will be done until the first week of September.  She is going to be a Junior...where has the time gone????

Ryan (4 year old daughter...yes she has a boys name) will be done with her first year of preschool tomorrow at 11:30 am (it looks like my "better half" will miss this special event because of stupid baseball and the games getting rained out)....Ryan will be starting her second year of preschool in the beginning of August.  This will be bittersweet, because on one hand I want her to stay my little girl, and I know she will and must grow up.

I am getting old!!!  I am not ready for my kids to grow up and need me less and less every day.  I know this is how life works but I am having a hard time with it.

Alexis is 2 years from graduation and going off to college, but I can already feel the pang in my heart from the empty nest syndrome.  I will miss her, attitude and all.  Wow I can't believe I just said I will miss the attitudes!!  Ryan will miss her big sister ALOT!!!

Summer is always an exciting time in our household.  We travel and have lazy days, and just enjoy each others company.  However, it also means that we are one summer closer to my kids leaving home (Ryan has awhile), and going off on their own.  I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!!!  I just want to keep my kids home and with me for as long as possible.  They are my babies and I am not ready for them to leave. 

Oh and by the way my daughter received a car for her 16th birthday back in May....so this summer I may not be seeing her as much as I want.  Either that or there may be fights because I want her home and she wants to be with friends.

I just hope they realize how much I love and treasure the moments we do have together.

Type A personality

For those of you who don't know me personally I sometime can be a bit controlling...for those of you who do know me this must come as quite a surprise (NOT).  I have come to realize that I have a split personality (self diagnosed).  I have a tendency to become a type A with the blink of an eye, sometime I don't even know when it's going to happen.

Let me give you some examples...

Cleaning - when it comes to cleaning my house (especially kitchen and bathrooms) I can be downright brutal.  Do it my way or do NOT bother doing it.  In these rooms cleaning my way is the only RIGHT way!!! How or why I think this is beyond me, I can not for the life of me figure out why I have control issues with cleaning...because I HATE to clean.

Toys - I am fine (well maybe just okay) with my daughter getting out and playing with toys all day long.  However, when it comes to bedtime (translation anytime after dinner)  I must have all toys picked up and put away in the right place for me to be able to sit and relax, if this is not done and done right my whole evening is ruined.  How pathetic is this???

Laundry - I can NOT stand anyone doing MY laundry, I don't really care about anyone elses.  There is no one who washes, dries, or folds it to my liking.  Many have tried and not one person has succeeded.  Again pathetic!!!

Theses are just some of the bigger issues I have with household things not be done "right" or my way.  I don't want to bog this down with all of the things I have control issues with.  If I did I fear no one would ever come back to read this "crazy" woman's blog again.

Let me know if I am the only person with these control issues...or if you have some to add please feel free.

Doing it all on my own

Okay I am linking up with Shell over at http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/.  Check her out she is GREAT!!!

Anyway here it goes...

My "better half" works out of State so when he is working he is completely and totally out of the picture.  Meaning he can't help me in any way, shape or form.  This SUCKS!!!!

When we met I knew that this was his career choice and I grew to be okay with it.  (it was pretty rocky for awhile)  But once we had a child this whole working away from home thing became a bigger pain then I ever expected.  He misses ALOT, and I know this disappoints him as much as it does us.  But the part that is bothering me right now is when he is gone I get absolutely NO breaks from the kids.

I know he is working hard while away, and it sucks living out of a suitcase, however, do NOT call me and complain that you are bored, tired, hungry or anything else.  I am here with these kids being tested regularly, being asked to cook, drive, etc. etc. etc.  I do not need to hear your quite hotel room, and that you are trying to decide whether to go out to dinner with friends or order room service. 

Just once I would like to be the one to call home and complain that my hotel room is too quite and I can't decide what order and have delivered to my room, then eat and leave my tray for someone else to pick up once I have finished.

Just once I want to have the ability to be bored and try to figure out what I want to do, and not have to include a moody 16 year old, and a hyper 4 year old in my plans.  Just once I want to worry about ME and nobody else.

Is this all too much to ask for?  Yeah, it is but I can dream right?

Thank you for letting me get all of this out, now I must go and finish cooking, cleaning, and dealing with my 4 year old who never lets me get bored!!!

P.S.  I really do love my kids and "better half".  And I know just how lucky I really am.

What Now????: Funny Things

What Now????: Funny Things: "My beautiful and creative 4 year old has said some knee slapping, laugh out loud things lately and I thought I would share a few. 1. She ..."

Funny Things

My beautiful and creative 4 year old has said some knee slapping, laugh out loud things lately and I thought I would share a few.

1.  She handed me her "baby" to hold (she has a name for every baby she owns and knows them all by heart, so don't screw up the names)  anyways I asked her what this new baby was named and she said "Beata".  I asked "Why did you name her that".  Ryan (my daughter) responded "because she is bad everyday and I want to beat her".  (on a side note I swear I have never told my child she is bad or I want to beat her...although I have thought it)

2.   Ryan put her finger into a small toy and naturally it got stuck.  Upon freeing her finger and asking her why should would put her finger into such a small hole she responded "because I wanted to see if it fit"  (Awww they minds of four year olds.)

3.   Ryan has told me on several occasion's that if I do something for her she will pay me "a million bucks".  (Apparently I need to keep my dreams to myself from now on.)

4.  I slipped and said Damn (I know bad mom) and Ryan looked at me and said "Mom - we do not say DAMN (loud voice with the word damn)"  How am I supposed to respond to that one?

I know there are many more that I wanted to share but right now the 4 year old I am writing about is demanding I read her a book, so I will. 

Let me know the funny things your kids say and how you respond.

Busy Busy Busy

So I am back at it!!!  The summer semester has started.  Yes that's right I am going to school this summer.  And I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I am taking a full load and at this point I am extremely overwhelmed and intimidated.  And to top it all off I am doing all of my classes online (which I have never done before).

I have fears...how am I going to get any school work done with both kids at home all day, everyday?  Will I be able to keep up?  Will I still be able to enjoy all of the summer activities that I love doing with my kids?  And finally will I still be a (somewhat) sane Mom at the end of summer?

Keeping my sanity has always been a questionable area, however, I feel like there is no hope with everything that is happening this summer.  Oh well I guess it might be fun to have the "crazy" mom, hopefully my kids will feel the same way.

I try to do my best in school (not to toot my own horn but I have been on the President's List), and with online classes and the kids home I am stressing a little (LOT) that I won't be able to put everything I normally do into my school work.  I will have to make time, and hopefully the kids will corporate!!! Who am I kidding my 4 year old can't stand it when I have something to do that doesn't involve her.  Maybe this summer will be different.  Here's to wishful thinking!!!

Oh and on a side note:  DO NOT have a garage sale on a dead end street in 90 degree weather because you will get very little traffic (and make very little $$$$), and it will just be one BIG miserable weekend!!!

Twitter and I have NO idea

I am now on Twitter...follow me @ WhatNowJoAnn!!! 

Time for an admission...

I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to any of this technology stuff.  I am fumbling my way through this blog, Facebook, and now Twitter.  So please, please hang in there I promise to figure out at least 1 new thing per day (any more than 1 and my head may explode). 

As long as we are talking about having no idea what I'm doing...lets talk parenting.   This is where I fumble the most.  My kids are my world, however, I really wish that they came with a "play book".  Wouldn't that be great!!!  I would then know exactly how to react to every situation that came hurling my way.  Wow then I might even get in the running for Mom of the Year (yeah right!!!).

As it stands now I have a 16 year old who likes to think she is the adult in this relationship and a 4 year old (going on 16) who is following right in her sisters footsteps.  Lord Help Me!!!

They really are great kids (at least I think so), but they are demanding as all get out.  Somehow they always want 3 meals per day, plus snacks, clean clothes, and the most annoying of all they seem to think they are the center of the universe.  Wow I really got the short end of the stick on this, I guess that's what I get for creating Monsters. 

But when my Mom payments come in the form of "I Love You  Mom", or they kiss me goodnight, or they remember to say "Thank You" (mostly to others).  I really feel like I am doing an okay job and they are turning into great people. 

Besides, who wants a stupid trophy that says Mom of the Year....it would just be one more thing for me to dust!!!